“In therapy we change not into something else, but into more truly ourselves. Therapeutic change is into what that person really ‘was’ all along… it is a second past, read retroactively from now. It is a new ‘was’ made from now.” The Client’s Client, Eugene Gendlin, 1984)
Time and again in counselling neurodivergent clients and their family members, I find myself returning to this quote by Eugene Gendlin, whose wisdom deeply underpins my therapeutic approach. This insight is especially profound when exploring newly discovered autistic and/or ADHD identity. During this journey of self-discovery, an inevitable continuous reframing of the past unfolds. It is a "new 'was' made from now where the past is read retroactively" – it can feel like the strangest of experiences when the scales fall from one's eyes and the past re-jigs itself into a new shape.
What once seemed like a 'selfish teenage tantrum' from school days is now re-experienced as an 'understandable autistic response to an overwhelming situation'.
A 'blunt, ice queen cold shoulder reaction' in a past relationship transforms into a recognised 'shut down selective mutism'.
Years of therapy and a previous 'GAD' diagnosis from a GP become reinterpreted as an 'understandable response to group social interaction'.
This is why therapy can be especially helpful when a person is exploring their neurodivergent identity for the first time or when family members are exploring their loved ones’ potential ND identity. The 'new was' can be mid-wived into being with a therapist (particularly valuable when working with a neurodivergent therapist with lived experience who truly understands the territory). Receiving validation and reassurance about these realisations can lead to powerful psychological change.
The process of mid-wiving this 'new was' in therapy offers multiple benefits. As well as bringing relief, these realisations can also be disorientating, and may prompt the existential question: 'Well, who am I then, if I'm not who I thought I was?'. A neurodivergent therapist can provide crucial guidance through this maze, offering reassurance and support.
Another thing that can happen is that after years of gaslighting, neurodivergent individuals may struggle to trust their self-assessment of being autistic or ADHD. In this situation, working with a neurodivergent therapist can become an incredibly supportive balm in providing encouragement and confirmation in trusting their new understanding of self.
This new 'was' makes sense of both undiagnosed neurodivergence in childhood and many puzzling reactions in the present. It is a carrying-forward that leads to a radical re-conceptualization of one's life situation, often precipitating a flood of feeling, insight, and re-evaluation.
There’s something else I want to say here about Gendlin’s approach as a psychotherapist and philosopher. At the heart of Gendlin's philosophy is the understanding of humans as situational beings in continuous becoming. His approach fundamentally challenges fixed narratives of self, offering neurodivergent individuals a profound form of liberation. Identity is not a static construct to be defined from the outside, but a dynamic process of listening deeply to one's embodied experience. Neurodivergent discovery, through this lens, becomes less about constraining labels and more about creating a compassionate, expansive understanding of self - retroactively making sense of the past while opening space for an authentic future.
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