Predictably Comforting Friends: Embracing Autistic Sameness

How autistic pride can come about in embracing your comforts!

I would like to dedicate this article to my 'predictably comforting friends' – some of the things that have made life so much easier. I didn't even know these little friends existed, but now that I do, I want to thank them for helping me.

Thank you breakfast

I feel very fond of my breakfast. I would like to thank it for appearing in my life over a year ago. I spent years wandering around the confusing dimension of breakfast suggestions, but nothing really hit the spot until I discovered this magic combination. And now that I have discovered it, it is my predictably comforting breakfast every morning (apart from Saturdays). I like to break it up a bit as I don't want to put my breakfast at risk of overkill. And so I've decided to only eat it six days per week rather than seven. It's worked so far and I'm a year in, so maybe I've found the one. Breakfast, can I marry you? Realising I was autistic helped me cross over the bridge into embracing sameness. I used to think I should eat different things regularly. I cannot tell you what a revelation it is to me to not have to think about what I'm having for breakfast any more!

Every single breakfast!

I feel like I want to tell you all about my breakfast, but then maybe it would be a bit like telling you my latest dream – like, you can't be as personally invested in it as I am, and you wouldn't enthuse about it as much as I do inside my own head. I'm going to stop myself there though, as otherwise this whole article will be dedicated to it. I have to say just one sentence though – there is nothing like eating a small spoonful of grape wrapped in homemade yogurt with a sprinkle of homemade granola, followed by a drink of tea.

If you really, really want to know more about my extra special breakfast, I would be happy to reveal more in the comments. But I won't keep going on about it!

In this article, I'm exploring the pillar of autistic culture that is 'predictably comforting' (as described and named in Dr. Angela Kingdon's Autistic Culture podcast).

By sharing with you what I find predictably comforting, I am hoping it will help you reflect on what is predictably comforting in your life… or what might be missing that you want to bring in.

Thank you to my shoes: I wear the same pair of shoes until they completely die on me. And then I buy exactly the same pair all over again.

Thank you my TV programme: I watched every season of Below Deck that I can get hold of. I'm beginning to think that it fits perfectly for AuDHD, which I am leaning more towards as time goes on. It feeds the autistic part which loves the sameness of the shape of each episode, and it feeds the adhd part that the dopamine seeking part loves in following the relationship clashes and cliff hangers!

Thank you Aldi (please don’t move the shelves around as I really don’t like it): I buy pretty much the same food every week from Aldi, and I really would not like to buy the same food in any other shop. I don't know how my husband manages to just go to Lidl instead. He gets bored of going to the same supermarket (He's ADHD!). I love going to the same supermarket and even try and park in the same spot every week. I get (mildly!) stressed when the car has to go into a completely different area! In terms of buying the 'same food' every week, I notice that I have to push myself to put new things in the trolley. It's actually energy-draining, but I make myself do it because otherwise my kids would have something to say about it!! As my boys are ND, you will often find me in Aldi, standing in front of the pizzas video-calling them as they have their own 'predictably comforting' range of pizzas they like. And it rotates between two to three different ones. I've learned to not take a punt if their first choice is out of stock.

That's how we roll in our family.

Of course, these patterns of predictable comfort can sometimes create friction with the unpredictable nature of life and relationships. Which brings me onto – where it gets in the way and what might come up in the counselling room.

The thing is, life can't always be 'predictably comforting', especially when it comes to the people around us. In the podcast, there was a discussion about how autistic people are sometimes called 'bossy', 'controlling' or a nag because they want something to be a certain way. Angela talked about how we are not any of these things. On the surface it could potentially be misconstrued in this way, but actually the truth is, we just know what we like. We are in fact 'decisive'. When I heard that phrase, 'decisive', it really resonated with me. I felt less shame. This reframing matters because shame can keep us from embracing aspects of ourselves that actually serve us well – our ability to know what works and to create systems that support our wellbeing.

It might be a gift for you to know that you are not any of those words you may have been called. You are in fact decisive, and 'predictably comforting' aspects are woven throughout the fabric of your everyday self. They may live in how you put the washing away, or in how your favourite towels are stacked. If you can begin to reveal this to yourself, to know this about you, it might be that you can also share this with your loved ones. You're not being awkward, obtuse, a pain in the arse or any of those things. You've just found a brilliant way of optimising your life, and the rhythm of it is comforting. It works. And you like it!

#autistic #autisticpride #autistictherapist #autisticcounsellorbristol